It should still be better than Adrian Peterson's star turn in Honey, I Whipped the Kids.

"How could you let that guy in the building?" - Assistant Manager, Red Lobster

"The second law of thermodynamics basically is the more ways something can happen, the more likely it is to happen."

My wife died last year at age 35. (Bear with me, totally not trolling for sympathy.)

Yeah. If there is one thing Kobe has tremendous experience with, it's college basketball.

I assume he was "up for whatever."

There hasn't been this much violence involving twins since the Paul brothers in the '90s

"See? They all look the same."

"Let's say you were transported back in time to before the rise of smartphones—let's go with the mid-'80s."

French Stewart sighting.

Huh... I thought it was supposed to honor the victims' average height of 4'09" at the time the abuse occurred.

San Francisco hired my wife's college boyfriend?

They would have just blocked each other, but neither one knew how.

Every week becomes more embarrassing as a Bears fan. It's only going to get worse when we announce John Fox as our head coach.

"YOU ALL CAN CALL ME MOZILLA FROM NOW ON BECAUSE I JUST HAD TO FIRE FOX."

I think this guy is hiring staff:

Here you go....

Judging by his roster, the poor guy is unfamiliar with the entire concept of stars.

To: Sony Corporation

"Just because you've gotten used to the taste of it by now doesn't mean you aren't still sucking on that foot."