Only movie I’ve ever walked out of.

That is literally his name in my house. When my husband told me about this, I replied, “You mean the Mayor of 9/11 forgot about 9/11?"

But what about the other hair styles? They were ALL terrible.

Lea Michele and John Stamos... LEA MICHELE AND JOHN STAMOS. Why does Ryan Murphy hate me so much?

I blame Shrayber.

Every single time I see an elderly person walking down a busy street with groceries, I mentally murder their asshole grandchildren.

Happy birthday! I am mentally sending you a wood-fired pizza and the original pressing of “Dark Side of the Moon.” Enjoy.

I’m troubled by specific professions. First was baseball players. Most recently, doctors.

What an irritating way to speak. I know someone who begins every third sentence with, “To tell you the truth...” and I always want to scream, “That’s the default! You don’t need to announce when you’re not lying!"

I’m imagining them as snooty old people with furs and monocles, ready to rumble, and I’m very much enjoying it. Please don’t correct me.

I need a binge watching recommendation, please? I have Netflix and Amazon Prime.

My cousin is a world class swimmer, or whatever they’re called, and knows many people who know him personally. They all report that he’s even dumber in person.

I was just thinking about Klaus Knowmi the other day, and tried in vain to explain his (her?) genius to my husband. “So, he didn’t type. He mostly posted gifs but also sometimes copy-pasted. We all loved him.” RIP, Klaus, wherever you are.

I can’t recommend board shorts highly enough.

I love it! I’m currently trying to decide if I’m too old for lavender hair (I’m 37).

But now if it’s stolen, the thief can sign it.

When there’s an animal actor in a movie, the Humane Society is on set monitoring its treatment. Why not make a law that a social worker has to be present when kid actors are on set?

Try folding the bottom corners up like a trapezoid.

Petition to hang any tabloid editor who types the phrase “baby joy."