They are quite obviously two and a half distinctly different people.

Literally every single thing she does strikes me as a cry for attention.

I really needed that; thank you.

He wants to abolish the Board of Education, there’s that.

Just wanted to let you know that I recognized and appreciated the true point of this post, the spot-on Edward Scissorhands joke. Other people’s love can suck it.

Every time I make an Amazon Smile purchase!

I saw an ad for The Daily Show last night that had Trevor Noah literally miming “sweeping up” shards of the glass ceiling with a broom, and I’ve never in my life wished so hard that I could punch someone through the television screen.

Yeah, I personally saw them at both TRU and Target today (Monday is errand day) and they’re selling like hotcakes. Jillian Holtzmann was nowhere to be found! Sorry, misogynist trolls.

Our club of two is in for it.

I’m really not interested in doing your research for you. You could Google it, or just choose to believe a hoax. Either way is fine with me; it doesn’t affect my life.

All the pics came from a single Twitter troll, and Target said they weren’t on clearance.

That was a hoax.

I bought a hoodie at a Mike Birbiglia show a couple of years ago and was very annoyed to discover an American Apparel tag inside once I got to the car. SO SOFT, but the stitching is garbage. The pockets came halfway off after a few washes.

Pro tip: every theater has booze, if you carry a purse ;)

He was on “Angie Tribeca” last week!

Conan has a good one, too. Apparently Prince was a Grade-A troll.

So did you use morse code or pigeons? ;)

Annnnnnd now we know you were born after pagers were no longer a thing.

Scram, Dave.

I danced to “I Turn to You” by Christina Aguilera with my mom. She wrote it for her mom so the lyrics were acceptable.