I wish we could go on opening night, but we have a 6yo and I don’t feel right seeing it without him, so we’re waiting until Friday. I’ll have to stay off of the Internet for hourrrrsssss. :(

What a great choice for the Kardashian brand.

Beyonce brought her own.

That is Meapos, and I’m so proud I knew that, I feel The Dance of Joy coming on.

A few years ago, I made my husband a Han in Carbonite costume. I feel you, bro.

Yes, please

I have a more accurate rhyme: “If you raise your son and daughter differently, they will turn out differently.” Did I do that right?

Dr. Cosby sure seems to think so.

This is very bad trolling, because I don’t even understand what you’re trying to say. All atheists weigh 300 pounds? All atheists eat like they’re at a Super Bowl party? Have you literally only met one atheist, so you’re basing all your assumptions off of that person? Do you think all atheists are named Brian, too?…

That’s a lonnnnnng couple of months while they learn to do it themselves and you’re sitting in the front seat for hours like “Gahh, can I just get back there and do it for you?”

I didn’t even realize Target HAD speakers. I’ve been to maybe ten in Massachusetts, and they’re all blissfully quiet. The employees carry walkie talkies to communicate.

That reminds me of the emails my best friend’s son would send me when he was three. Apparently he’d sit down and start hammering away, occasionally stopping to ask his mom how to spell my name, and the names of my cats. So I’d receive: “JENN fl af j di jfd do jsd cm bc di molly vbfssgy65dfji7v ves sk hhj D CHEVELLE…

This is very, very disturbing, but here’s the significance if you want to know. IF you want to know. http://jezebel.com/heres-the-dang…

There’s a lady in my neighborhood who walks with her dog and baby stroller in the road, five feet from a very wide, smooth sidewalk. I’m so tempted to stop one of these days and ask her what the fuck her deal is.

That sounds bad and all, but it can’t be worse than Crash. Not the 2004 Crash; the 1996 Crash, starring James Spader and Holly Hunter, which was about people who get off on car accidents. I saw it because it was NC-17, and I was 17. It was a terrible decision. Only movie I’ve ever walked out of.

Tony Robbins follows me. I think I lose.

Now I feel dumb.

And keep furniture away from doors. I used to have my dresser right next to the door, and I once witnessed my cat jump up on it and turn the DOORKNOB with both paws. I was right there; she could’ve just meowed.

I just spent a long time looking at that account and I have many, many questions. Mostly like, who? What? Huh? Is...? And so on.

Fuck pumpkins, babies should always be dressed as 80s movie characters (mine was Kevin Flynn from TRON and Teen Wolf before he got old enough to have an opinion on costumes).