You’ve got to start small. Think neckties.

Phew. I just thought my whole summer was ruined for a minute.

Oh no! Was Trainwreck not good?

That last bullet point is everything.

That’s how I watched Mister Rogers! (He talked to the camera like he could see me, and I didn’t care for that one bit.)

That’s so sad. I loved the shit outta him. And Lois Lowry.

I feel like it was really unethical of ET to air that interview. They should’ve contacted her agent or whatever, showed them the footage, and asked them to get her some damn help already.

That show was so cringe worthy. He’s just a terrible actor. Comedians these days are all expected to be actors. Acting and being funny are two different skills, and not everyone has both.

That’s my next one. (Actually her whole body)

Let’s time travel back five years, and I’ll tie my used diaper genie bags around your waist and you can call me an artist.

Anything that launched the career of Lea Michelle can GO TO HELL.

Now I wanna join Tinder and visit LA. You got a pullout couch?

He plays it up. He speaks how he assumes the rest of the country expects him to.

It was a PBS miniseries about some marine biologists or oceanographers or something. Scientists on a boat. Affleck played the captain’s annoying grandson. He was maybe 10? He’s no hometown hero out here.

But was that from memory?

I’ve got you beat; accidentally following him since we watched The Voyage of the Mimi in 7th grade science class. Boston has an extra decade of hate for him.

You caught me, I totally let him watch Woody Allen movies.

You know what sucks? I recently gave my 6yo a zrrbtt, and he asked if I invented them. I sighed and explained that they were from a TV show that we couldn’t watch, because the man on the show turned out to be a bad guy.

1. I disagree with bad and dumb. My husband and I would have a throuple with that movie if we could.

I still say he’s an unreasonable bitch.