Also, tie employment entirely to whether that person pumps out papers whose success can in large part be tied to what's trendy. So God help you if you choose a non-trendy subject to focus on.

Basically, you give as many people doctorates as you possibly can ... and then you hire all of the racist, sexist, inappropriate ones and give them tenure. Everyone else subsists on somewhere between $500-4K per class while also working minimum wage jobs and regretting their life decisions.

Somehow, despite this…

"When will the white community leaders stand up and condemn this epidemic of serial killers?"

I'm stunned that people think this is me being mean. What? I'm not being mean at all! I'm just pointing out that I specifically referenced the exact story he's talking about. Wtf?

I'm going to go ahead and assume you didn't click the link in the second-to-last paragraph.

Is de shoes.

Instantly thought of The Birdcage.

Yes.

Panda Express is both a) not really Chinese food, and b) way better than any Chinese food I've had since I moved to Pittsburgh. God, I miss the coasts.

And, on that infamous evening in New England, as the snow banks stood massive and the tears of hipsters everywhere fell as they watched the power they had habituated to receiving from whipping out their iDevices and typing furiously upon their single star...

Pinkham! Do you purposefully choose the most delicious looking photos you can find right before lunch time??

At a wedding, my now-fiancee gave me surprise quiche without telling me what it was (it was visually unrecognizable, for some reason). She was convinced I didn't actually hate it, I just thought I did. Ten seconds later, I spit it out into the trash can and said "what the hell WAS that" and now she damn well knows how…

The allergy one makes me remember yet again why my brother and sister-in-law have a fondness for Disney.

I hope that poor boy was okay after his parents insisted on him eating that food even though it had gluten in it.

I was once in a "fancy" Chinese restaurant in Chicago for my birthday and they had just waxed the floors. EVERYONE was falling down. Servers, customers, everyone. It was bizarre and hilarious. The management was losing their minds over how many meals they were comping. I wiped out before I even got to my table. My…

Da Bears!