It's okay with me if the press use my name but they have to pay me royalties every time they do. My name is my brand ala Kim K's ass. See how that works?

Yes. He is a Very Important Person™.

"I have an educational blog" has to be a close second to "I sell monogrammed thermoses," right?

He wants to cuddle with you while you're still moist from the shower, wearing nothing but a pair of panties. **shudder**

I can't lie: I checked out as soon as I hit the word "cuddle" in the first bullet point. "Cuddle" is the "moist" of relationship words. *cringes*

U MAD, bro?

Also note that the first letter of every paragraph spells out KIRBY DELAUTER. Genius.

...no? That...that's not defamation.

Those bread rolls in the picture look amazing.

No.

"Oh! Well! Looks like you found those bread rolls after all. Wasn't that hard, was it?" I then took a skewer out of one of the pieces of tempura, and plunged it finger deep into her eyeball.

omgggg i cannot wait for someone to raaaaaaaaaaaaaage

I used to work at an "Italian" restaurant which I won't name—rhymes with "Shmolive Garden"

Jen still hates me for that.