Is it really a memoir or just a really long tell-all/tabloid about all the Bravolebrities and celebs that probably won’t sue him?

We’re gonna need a bigger ankle bracelet.

Carville replied, “Frog dont jump no fricasee gator run a slim jim.”

A) I had the same reaction. And B) I love your name. Or should I say Declan MacManus, international art thief?

He may be the first person associated with Trump to get paid.

Aw honey Donnie wouldn’t touch your pussy with Christie’s hand.

She’s going to ban shrimp! She must be stopped!

I’m guessing he was trying to thread the needle of calling this group of people (in front of him) strong and courageous while also talking about the horrors of PTSD. Unfortunately (for him), since he can barely speak English, this is what we end up with.

Does that mean in two years when I’m being handed my phd, my memories of being assaulted by men will be magically replaced with new memories in which I pet kittens with philosophers? Because that would sure make nighttime public transit less of an anxiety crap shoot.

My only knowledge of Harry and the Hendersons comes from the 30 Rock episode “Goodbye, My Friend.”

Oh.

I saw Desperation Pretzel open for Bad Brains at the 9:30 Club.

The day that I can read the news without having to come across the name Donald Trump will be one of the happiest days of my life.

This cat is a good bear.

it’s the 2016 version of the here there be dragons warning on the edge of a map.

You know it’s bad when “maybe he’s just smuggled a ton of cocaine” is the most comforting explanation for something.

Ted Cruz combines the charisma of a mortician with the political savvy of the kid who wears a suit while running for high school class president.

Finally, the coveted lipless weirdo demographic.