I mean chocolate covered espresso beans have been around forever.

Actually, my first trip to the bay area, I was totally WOAH, because they had those c.c. espressos in a gumball machine in a thrift store. It really seemed like heaven at the time.

...and when that wombat is done chewing its salad, it poops it out in a cube.

Getting married because you’re expected to is the exact opposite of woke.

I had hookworms as a kid. Tiny, white, wiggly worms that live in your butthole. I saw one sticking out of my poop one day and told my mom, who thought I was just being paranoid and told me to ignore it. Flash forward a few weeks later and it feels like my ass is full of broken glass. I go to take a dump, thinking it…

I carry a sun umbrella. And usually wear a hat and shades. Not sorry, no shame. Sunscreen makes my face break out and the here UV in Australia is crazy pants. The glare alone gives me migraines...

I’m not a regular pooper. I go maybe 2-3 times a week, and it’s not uncommon for me to go a week without taking a shit. I’ve been to the doctor, they say it’s fine but to keep track of how often I go. So for the past 4 years or so, I’ve kept track of my pooping. Maybe a year and a half ago, my boyfriend went to Vegas…

The grossest thing your body has ever done is eat a 1 lb bag of black twizzlers.

Finally I get to share my story publicly in a setting where people WANT to hear it!!! In December 2014, I started having really massive stomach cramps. I thought perhaps I had eaten something bad, or was PMSing, but these cramps were constant. I couldn’t sleep, I stopped being able to eat. I couldn’t stand up…

I was taking a shower and washing my butt, as you do, and pulled on something. Kept pulling. Started freaking the fuck out. Threw whatever it was against the wall and kept freaking out. Thought for sure I had some sort of intestinal worm. It was a rice noodle. That I pulled out of my butt.

staph infection

I feel like I can’t compete with the writer’s story, but for me it was a period/virus combo. I had clots the size of guinea pigs dropping out of my vagina as I sat shaking on the toilet shitting my brains out while throwing up into a trashcan.

I’m surprisingly impressed.

if you can program a lady you can PLEASE a lady is what I’ve never said.

Hopefully this:

Can we make Jezpin a regular occurrence? Like casual Fridays.

How detailed? Well, when you tell her she’s pretty, she winks and says, “Hehe, thank you.”

What? Lots of cigar stores have wooden statues out front.

Yeah, but a guy who looks like this on national teevee needs some positive reinforcement now and then.

“Damn Lena”

Force choke any crying children and complaining parents, problem solved.