I just now found out it wasn’t Gwen Stefani.

Since I guessed $3400.00, $2195.00 would be cheep. (a tweet deal?)

AT FIRST GLANCE I THOUGHT IT WAS GWEN STEFANI.

I tried it on and looked like a porn star. No thanks. It must be terribly disappointing for men to take the Bombshell bra off and discover actual female breasts underneath.

I’m definitely not afraid of looking my age - but I am afraid of looking afraid to look my age.

It’s okay, the number one cause of aging is getting older, and we all suffer from that.

Can you assholes shut up? I’m trying to play Candy Crush.

Michael Ian Black has a great bit in his stand up about when his son was an infant where’s like “I can’t shake him, I can’t shake him, I can’t shake him. So I didn’t shake him... but I threw him. I threw him right onto the couch.”

Bagging up hot, fresh In-N-Out is like gift wrapping heroin.

Although I have always loved Napoleon’s Grandma’s “Go make yourself a dang que sah dilla”

“if you see nothing but boring old white people in an ethnic restaurant”

I’ve been in places like this and honestly, every time it’s been as miserable as you described.

Oh everyone but Dave raved about the menu, it was a pretty fantastic professional debut I have to say.

Bichons have a tendency to take over your soul. My family used to have one. On Day 1, my Dad said, “I do not love dogs, not since my childhood Beagle, Skippy, died in my arms on Christmas day.”
On Day 2, my Dad was singing to the Bichon in a falsetto.

I worked at McDonalds long ago... I had several customers who would conclude their drive-thru orders with “that’s to go” — like they would if they were inside. It’s kinda irritating, because — am I going to expect them to eat it in the drive-thru lane or something...

One day, I’d kind of had it — I hear the “that’s to…

I was way more of a smart-ass when I worked in a bookstore, since my manager was always job hunting and couldn’t have cared less. During the height of the “Twilight” craze, right when the last book and the first movie had been released, we were sent a metric ton of merch, including those SweetHearts chalk-flavored…

I remember when I was working retail at an upscale mens clothing store in University and this guy came in and told someone that Dave Olson, the store manager, said he’d hook him up and give him 20% off some expensive designer jeans. Unfortunately, the person he happened to tell this to was Dave Olson, who’d never seen…

This weekend I had my four-billionth customer respond to “Can I get you anything else?” with “Yeah, a stack of hundreds, har har har.” I’d just had two miserable shifts in a row, the highlight of which was the homeless drunk who came in and vomited blood all over the floor. I replied “I don’t have any hundreds back…

Do you girls want a little bit of cocaine? Because if you are going to get high I’d rather you do it in the house.

One trembles to imagine the string of ex-girlfriends reading that story and breathing a silent prayer of relief that this fuckwidget has finally been semi-stopped.