No, no, you would have been an asshole for screaming in the bartender’s face, “yes, you do have them, I know you do, now goddamn it BRING ME GNOCCHI NOW!”

They’re used to having the support of other villagers with torches, and they’re improvising?

I think if people stay off the phones during meals/drinks with family or friends, during sex, at the movies, and anytime someone they love makes it clear they really need attention (e.g., “Mommy, I’m bleeding!”) they’re probably doing ok.

This is not advice exactly, just information: all the women in my family for four generations have suffered from depression and anxiety, and I recently found out it’s probably tied to a gene mutation. I was tested for it and came up with two copies of one of the primary mutations, called A1298C. I am not better yet,…

I think this is a really tough disorder to treat. I know there are surgeons who will actually perform amputations for people who have been wanting them for decades because of this—they feel their limb(s) are not really “theirs” and want them gone. And often they feel much better about themselves and the world after…

Yeah, she should also have a dog there so people can have a choice.

That sure makes having one little cat look pretty tame, huh?

But you would also be out the same amount of money if the people did come. I understand the reasoning of “if I had known you weren’t coming I could have not paid for your dinner and saved that money,” but it’s not like a no-show actually costs you more money. You just miss the pleasure of the 4 1/2 minutes you would…

I cannot wait to go into a restaurant and order something with thousand island on it, and when they bring me some crappy white dressing start screaming, “Where are the thousand islands? I want my thousands of islands!”

No one should have sex who can’t build and run their own sexual health center. Just like no one should eat except those who can build and run their own grocery stores. I think Thomas Jefferson or Moses or somebody said that.

Didn’t see them, no. I can’t really bear to watch any of this shit, I just read about it the next day with my eyes partially covered. I am a weakling of the first order and if Ayn Rand’s reality ever comes to pass I will be one of the first beheaded for being worthless, but I will at least refuse to watch Dagny…

I can’t tell you how terrifying I find it that Jeb seems like one of the better options. In fact if George Jr. were running again he’d be one of the better options because fascism in our country is just running that fast. Soon George Jr. will seem like a big old liberal.

If there was a single plausible Republican candidate at this point I’d agree with you, but the non-Donald Trump ones are only a little less scary/crazy/delusional/vicious than he is. And he seems to appeal a bit more to the scary/crazy/delusional/vicious base more than the rest of them, so... I plan to find a way to…

Because the rest of America is not New York and we know he could actually get elected. You should know that too.

Yeah, it’s not even an illogical argument, it’s a completely incoherent one that willfully avoids the very example put forth by them, the Romanian orphans. Why bring that up if you won’t answer the question of whether it wouldn’t be better for those children to be adopted by gay parents? I have no idea. But we know…

Or, “if you marry me to someone after I’m dead, the only acceptable spouses are Sam Elliot and Tommy Lee Jones [of course replace those with your own preferred names]. You may marry me to these people whether they are alive or dead, because it would be super hypocritical of me to complain if they’re dead.”

Yeah, but all that is deciding what will happen with regard to the person’s death. This guy was deciding what would and should have happened in her life. It reminded me of the practice I’ve heard of by the Church of Latter Day Saints, baptizing dead people (who were not part of that church) into the church to save…

And one more, which everyone who watches or works for Fox News has ripped out of their Bibles and burned:

Here’s another one, which I imagine would also apply to seats to see the Pope:

“Bitch, God will give us a special gigantic needle because we gave money to somebody somewhere once, and also a very small, custom-made, solid gold camel. Boom.”