This won't win the pissing contest because it's only partially about a crazy animal, but it's a cute story.

I don't have a worst tattoo story but I do have a best tattoo story.

The only acceptable response other than getting his ass fired would be for one of the employees (ideally male for comedic value) to walk gingerly up to him, tap his belt buckle a few times, then stand there expectantly.

I screencap it for my blog then go weep into my ice cream as I Google Cat Lady Starter Kits because that's obviously the direction my life is going if these are my only choices.

I'm not mad at him. It will be great regardless, just like season one was. But I just wish SOMEONE would give us a show in this vein where female heroes are allowed to be as complicated as Rust and Marty.

I was eating breakfast at a local joint one time. A couple tables away some schmuck was reading the riot act to one of the waitresses about his food. Now, understand, this place was a nice, cheap local diner. The food was OK but Wolfgang Puck wasn't working in the kitchen. I liked it and never had a bad meal there.…

Another bar tending story:

Despite all your rage, they are still just some cats on a page

You are so wrong, only because Zoya Pixiedust polishes exist. Those are the best textured polish out there. It's like sugar on your nails, just sparkly and pretty. Proof (from polishaholic):

Yes! I lost serious pounds from post-break-up "too sad to eat" depression. By the next time I saw my ex and his best friend, I was feeling strong and looking hot. The best friend said "Dayum, girl! You lost a shit-ton of weight!" To which I replied (while holding eye-contact with the ex), "Yeah, I had a 180-pound…

Know what else was supposed to last for a thousand years? The Third Reich.

Time for a heart-warmer: I worked at an Applebee's in college, and about once a month the group home for adults with mental disabilities would take the clients out for a group dinner. It would be about 8 clients and 4 staffers. Larger groups are always a little bit more of a challenge in the quick-service setting, and…

I was giving my husband a BJ and suddenly he got the giggles. I look over and here are my 2 cats just staring at me. Yes, I fuck in front of my pets because if I keep the door closed, they'll just paw and head butt the door, which ruins sexy times even more. Apparently, not only were my pervy cats watching us, but…

All I can think of is an otter version of Sterling Archer shouting "RAMPAGE!" before going crazy, and it is fabulous.

A former coworker is a Sikh who wears a turban. He was at an anti-poverty protest once, when a woman with a Central European accent came up to him and after chatting a bit started asking about his turban. After he explained that he was Sikh, she said "No offense, but you look like a terrorist."

Without missing a beat…

Social worker PSA:

Oh $CHARACTERIZATION $PETNAME, I ache with longing for the merest glimpse of your $BODY_PART. Fly to me, my $INFANT_ANIMAL, and let us spend the entire $TIME_PERIOD celebrating our $KINK.

Who wants to hear Stephen Fry's Piers Morgan joke again? YEAH you do.