Now I'm imagining some kid like Ralph from The Simpsons eating the poem.

My cousin Claire is essentially a brunette version of Gwyneth Paltrow, right down to the fat-shaming, macrobiotic monomania and $200 cashmere socks. She gives out mini boxes of All-Bran cereal to trick-or-treaters in her fabulously wealthy Toronto neighbourhood, I shit you not.

Is anyone in the world going to come up with a better Halloween costume than Edgar Allan Ho? It seems unlikely.

When I was an ER nurse in a children's hospital, we used to ask kids who were brought in for bicycle related accidents if they were wearing helmets. Regardless of the answer, we gave them a brand new bike helmet, properly fitted (we were able to do this through donations/grants from a children's safety foundation…

Read up on the history of blackface (it takes seconds to do a search that will net you literally millions of results about why it is ALWAYS racist and offensive) and the way that it was and still is used to dehumanize Black people and tell me it's not fucking racist again. I don't give two shits about the intentions…

I call everyone dude. Guys, ladies, children, adults, any ethnicity. It is the universal noun, and a perfect word.

So, anyway, I was nineteen, and I had problems. I had pretty much been depressed and angry since I could remember, and going to university cut me off from my support system of family and friends. My freshman year, things came to a head in the form of a godawful cliche: my high school boyfriend came home on…

This is what actually goes on behind the curtain when you take your kids doll to the American Girl Hospital. No one really wants to know how the sausage is made.

This is all I have to say.

That's one smoking cock, bay-bay!

Oh my god this sounds like a fun game.

As a Girl Scout parent, would you know who I could talk to about the cookies? I order multiple boxes per year and yet...I'm still a straight lady. I think I got some duds.

"Godleigh Womanhood" is a P.G. Wodehouse character. He is nearsighted and trips and falls into the fish pond.

No shit. Every time those things go on sale, like half the girls I know go on and on about how they could eat box after box if it were socially acceptable.

Featuring some of your favorite flavors, including:

"Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn [of cookies]"

Holy Crap. Does she have a painting of herself in an attic? Amazing. And I've always been jealous of her hair.

Jesus Christ, fuck babies and horses and outer space. Is there anything more beautiful in this universe than a confident person of any gender, shape, or size dancing alone and enjoying the fuck out of it? I think not.