Midnight premiere in Cambridge was two-thirds fans and one-third trolls. My friends and I brought (necessary) flasks. It was basically two hours of THIS IS WHY YOU SHOULD USE CONDOMS, KIDS.

Yes, which is why driving while under the influence is ILLEGAL. Drinking, when practiced legally and in moderation, is not inherently harmful to other people. Cigarettes, when smoked legally and in moderation, still harm people in the vicinity.

Except that I can't get lung cancer from some guy doing tequila shots next to me.

My parents refused to let me move back in even though I graduated straight into the recession with no job prospects and no connections. They did, however, pay for the additional classes I needed to get a decent job in a field I like. Win/win? I like to think that the two years I spent working miserable, soul-crushing…

My best friend traded me for cheese, once!

Please excuse me while I SOB INTO MY KEYBOARD for a minute.

Here is the equivalent I came up with for straight people (who are not actually asexual*):

Oh my god, those guys sound like MORONS. Uh, welcome to the very small club of bi people who enjoy threesomes and therefore feel like terrible representatives of the community? I'm always qualifying my explanations: "bi people are not inherently slutty and/or interested in threesomes! It's just me!"

Alpaca isn't any better, for some of us. I've tried every kind of wool, cashmere, angora, and alpaca blends. There's something about the animal fibers — it feels soft, but after twenty minutes of actually wearing it, my skin gets all dry and itchy and painful. After an hour it feels like I'm wearing sharp metal…

Oh man, I LOVE my last name. I could never give it up. Also it's my mom's last name, since my parents opted to use her last name if I were a girl, and my dad's last name if I were a boy. Which sounds wonderfully egalitarian, but might have gotten confusing if I'd had a brother.

The boyfriend (who lives half a continent away) agrees with me that this is creepy, and the light would be annoying. Our opinions diverge in that I also think it is awesome and hilarious. But, you know, CREEPY.

I think you're mistaken — Earth: Final Conflict ran for only four seasons.

Benadryl is the best! I wake up refreshed and not dying from allergies. I took three on a red-eye international flight and was out before they turned off the cabin lights.

I feel like I should throw a party to celebrate the return of Portlandia. We can all drink PBR and listen to a band you've never heard of. Except if more than five people show up, we can't listen to that band anymore. HIPSTER PARTY WOES.

My favorite Star Trek! Now I want to go home and watch Voyager. It's been so long.

The one time I was a bridesmaid, the bride took a few of us to this hot yoga studio. It was actually pretty awesome, although I've avoided hot yoga like the plague ever since. That shit is TORTURE. I made it about 3/4 of the way through the class before I had to go outside and get some air.

Oh my god, yes. Thank you for this.

My cousins have a Tassimo, and it makes MUCH better coffee (and lattes, etc) than my office Keurig. The Keurig makes weak, lousy coffee, no matter what I put into it. I even tried the mesh cup with my own ground coffee, and it still tasted bad. I use a french press at home, and I keep meaning to bring it to the office.

I've been sampling my way through the small-but-nice beer selection at my local cheese shop. There's this Three Musketeers beer that's actually pretty good, which surprised me, since I bought it solely because it had the Three Musketeers on the label. At Formaggio, if you're ever in Cambridge.

Seconding Clinique. I have super-dry skin, and it cleared up the last of my acne, and keeps my skin from getting painfully dry in winter.