Forbes, the Buzzfeed of the Financial Industry.

I always just assumed Forbes assembled these best-cities lists by giving meth to a chimp and having him draw names out of a giant barrel of Lincoln Logs all stamped with the name of a different metro area.

Sacramento? Vegas? Who the hell is Forbes polling? Appraisers of vacant lots?

Cleveland may be a shitty place to work, but the joke is on him, because most of its residents are unemployed.

If a former employee leaves you to work in the unhappiest city, that probably doesn't say much for you.

"Did somebody say Temecula?"

Sorry fellas, but all the disinfectant in the world won't remove the stench of being a part of Penn State.

"Should the Patriots make the Super Bowl it will be their fifth appearance in the last 14 years."

"Here's the thing, though: only one number factors into Super Bowl attendance statistics, and that number is STADIUM CAPACITY."

"Nah man, I don't wanna go to the Super Bowl, I'm going to an awesome Super Bowl party" said a guy who clicks on banner ads about the liberal conspiracy to steal our food

I believe in this case that the word "report" actually means "I just pulled this out of my ass".

I feel really positive for all the Penn State alumni who will interpret this move as a validation of what they've claimed all along: That their hero was not the driver of a nefarious coverup, but was simply too much of a stupid pants-shitting old dullard to put the pieces together, realize what was going on, and take…

We go live to the campus of Penn State University for reaction:

Bobby Bowden gets screwed and, in typical Paterno fashion, Joe-Pa goes about his business like nothing ever happened.

Truly today is a great victory for anyone who's ever assisted in the cover-up for a chronic sexual predator.

Well, good. Covering up years of child rape isn't deserving of more than a temporary slap on the wrist anyway. As long as a player selling an autograph still faces the wrath of the old gods and the new, we can sleep soundly knowing that justice reigns supreme.

It's too bad he's not alive to see that they moved Paterno ahead of him.

The only response it could muster in the aftermath of the Sandusky scandal was to blindly and uselessly swing an axe at Penn State's football program, for no other reason than to justify its own existence.

This is the real problem with MLS, not some silly fight about promotion/relegation. I hope that they are forced to implement true free agency as soon as next year. I also hope that an asteroid crashes into Yankee Stadium on NYCFC's opening day.

Dear England,