*Tears well up in eyes*

And no, we don’t expect you to suddenly decide to become a more attentive parent. Your kids know you, and they’re on to your empty phrases and cheap attempts at re-ingratiating yourself to them.

Doggone it, I was going to make a pun, but yours had more teeth.

*Remembers Liam Hendriks’ days in a MN Twins uniform*

Yikes! I don’t want to keep playing the Minnesotan game. Be safe.

Hey! I have many strong feelings about this. And I’ll keep them to myself. How’s the weather where you are? It’s kinda hot here right now. Anyway, have a nice day!

Andre Gurode disapproves.

This is correct.

By gum, you're right.

That’s clearly a face.

My son turned 3 in the middle of last season. He’s a shitty little tyrant who commandeers the remote whenever the television is turned on, so I didn’t watch a single snap.

Excellent points. If even the announcers can’t get excited about the game on the field, then how the hell is anyone else supposed to care?

“Are you gonna eat that hotdog? Yes? Good, I’m gonna spit in it”

like a dickhead father-in-law performatively retracting dollar bills from the tip each time his water glass gets empty

All us flyover states look alike.

I want to believe that it was more than one per night. I assume Grandpa was taking down at least that much per day at the time.

Just did a quick search to see if the Carolina Hurricanes are still a team.

A lot of winners, but none better than “verdant crosshatch”

For about 12 years, a group of friends has gotten together every Monday to make dinner together (we’re clever, and reference it as Monday Night Dinner). It’s essentially a backwards potluck: we all bring an ingredient, then cook together and share the meal. The group has had a bit of a revolving door, but there are…

Donnie wants cookies?? Donnie goes potty makes boom boom, then he gets cookies.