I already “boycott” most of these brands due to my urge to live as long as possible but damn FIFA straight to hell for making me have to apply for a Discover card.

Not true. The sponsors will leave if there’s money to be lost by not doing so.

300lbs? Did they weigh him on the moon?

Imagine that, an impression of every Ranger fan I’ve ever met.

But there is a chance this is plausible if you take a few other parts into consideration.

Bitch-in Camero

Your detailed knowledge of dildos is impressive.

This one time I walked in on my husband and some hooker going at it in the back of his van. They were doing some freaky stuff and had this dildo hard-wired through the seat or some crazy crap. What a bastard! I pulled out my gun and fired 8 shots. 6 shots put holes in the van and I have no idea where the other 2 went.

I don’t keep my severed head collection in *my* Camaro. Stop stereotyping.

But it is in Day mode!

"How embarrassing. A house full of condiments and no real food."

I’m still not quite sure how the adviser kept a straight face as he handed the ziploc bag with the dildo in it back to the customer.

I’m still not quite sure how the adviser kept a straight face as he handed the ziploc bag with the dildo in it back to the customer.

The Night Mode story can actually be listened to here, and it’s hilarious:

I legitimately doubt that even Yasiel Puig’s mother cares as much about him as Deadspin.

Worth noting the Dodgers recently got swept in San Francisco without scoring a run and their division lead is down to half a game. It’s not like they’re prancing away with the pennant and a really good hitter is just fluff.

Honestly, FIFA is so laughably corrupt at this point that if they announced that the election resulted in a two-way tie between Sepp Blatter and Bill the Cat, I wouldn’t even blink.