Just got off the phone w/Danny Almonte...he likes this story...

I feel the same way when the schoolgirls I've paid good money to watch end up having stretch marks and varicose veins.

The Detroit Lions are the perfect team for the city of Detroit. Constantly declining in value, incompetently managed, and haven't been good since the 1950's

So that's what happens when you stop using PEDs.

Diet and exercise is one option, but I usually choose Jagermeister when I want to lose half of a Saturday.

"My question—and this is just a straight, honest question—is he a brother, or a cheeseball brother?" - Rob Parker

The Crüe haven't gotten that much attention since '92. Goodnight, Arizona!

The Mets haven't heard sounds like that since Mo Vaughn grazed the field.

"Amongst other lines he should skip."

Rob Ryan's lap band slipped off as easily as a condom on Travis Henry.

Actually, one-foot browns are a common occurrence in the Whitlock household.

In other words, we'll go from being active participants in the exploitation of "student athletes" in the name of amateurism to being willfully blind to the exploitation of "student athletes" in the name of amateurism. Well played NCAA.

Durant: [Giggling] Get that weak shit outta here!

Minnesota Timberwolves fans witness something very similar most games.

Devils: [taken over by hockey league]

Pictured: The first four victims in happier times.

Be kind of cool to buy it and move to Baltimore for new beginnings

Eyewitness report the suspect was approximately 6'3" 222lbs and approximately 25 years old. Reports are he had longer brown hair fair skin and was seen wearing a green football jersey. Anyone with information on the whereabouts is asked to call silent observer.