Laura Bush killed someone. Actually killed someone; it didn’t stop W from getting two terms in office.

Fuck you science, I’m living to 150.

Damn Canadians, always so rude.

Yeah, it’s like misguided politicians are diverting millions in tax dollars to give corporate welfare to unproven companies with no track record. Oh wait, I think pointing out that truth that makes me a cowardous safe-space needing liberal.

*Rhode Island 75mils

I have had the worst day today and I just read all 50 of these aloud to myself and now I am giggling. Thanks.

The Browns play the Jets and the Bengals twice, either of those two teams is more than capable of blowing a simple lay-up like that.

I assume Penn State fans are the same kind of people who praise John Wilkes Booth’s acting career or remind you how beautiful the Titanic’s state rooms were.

I hate to be that guy, but the announcer said “The Red Sox walk off”and that is incorrect. Ramirez hit the walk off home run, yes, but it is the Yankees who walk off - as in walk off the field because they lost. That is how the term works and it is shocking how often it is misapplied.

If you don’t think Bills fans can’t think of other ridiculous ways to prove they are drunk and stupid, you haven’t hung around Buffalo very long.

Just a quick reminder:

Hitler spelled nothing wrong!

Goose Gossage approves this message.

Your guest barber: Michael Irvin.

Can someone get Peter Thiel to fund this lawsuit?

This is what happens when kids watch The Little Mermaid but not The Land Before Time.

My brain says “Fuck Hope Solo” and my loins say the same exact thing with completely different inflection.

Let’s remember some Rams:

Amp Lee demands a recount.

Counterpoint: Fuck Arod with a rusty nail.