When your office is paying the bill, all bets are off!

I’m sorry Hillary, all I hear is a pile of hypocritical shit coming out of your mouth. Good news? I’m still voting for your lying ass over dipshit Republican assholes 1-16. I hate myself.

Well, you do have to forgive him for wanting to watch all that Baseball and Basketball. I mean, the Knicks, the Mets...he just likes hanging out with other folk that haven’t done anything worthwhile since 1973.

Did they circle the scooters around the perimeter of the room to keep the male models from escaping?

Mr. Dr. Yoga Nerd MD got really drunk with his friends in like the first month we were dating and texted me something like “I wanna fuck you in high heel black boots”

I snorted at “Emily McBruncheater”.

I died. You killed me. x.x LMAO

*an

He has a handsome but unmarked face, like a random guy in an allergy medicine commercial. He needs some sass. Hopefully he’ll bring it in the debates.

wait does all sexting look this bad when youre not in the moment

I don’t understand why people lose their shit when it’s announced that Hollywood is remaking another originally mediocre movie. This is the same reaction people had when Total Recall was made, when Robocop was remade, and when it was recently announced that Point Break was was being remade.

You say, firmly, “We have a no-phones-at-the-table rule in this house. Either put your phone down, or go sit outside until we’re done eating.”

Well, just one look up at that makeup job they did on her movie counterpart probably gave her body dysmorphia, so maybe she is.

I can second this. A girlfriend in college got some because she thought it’d be fun and I’m game for whatever.

my tears of shame and regret have always worked for me

OH MAN WHO CAN POOP THE MOST IN ONE DAY.

Oh god, pooping at work is the bane of my existence but now all of Jezebel can happily know that most of the times I am commenting on here I’m also pooping.

I buy store brand because it’s cheap and so is my butt-hole.