I cannot.

My gosh Jezebel do some research. They were from the Sudan and Iraq and in the country less than 2 years. Police responded to lewd and lavacious conduct. Here is the audio of the police responding to the media on what is true and not true. So it is not like nothing happened.

Unpopular (?) opinion: Natalie Portman is a bad actress.

Obligatory

I finally saw 50 Shades on HBO a few months ago and holy crap Dakota and Jamie have absolutely no chemistry. Like, so little chemistry that they must be actively working at it. There is no reason that two beings of the same species should interact that poorly.

Saying it to a toddler is better than calling them ‘little man’. Ick.

Long time reader, first time commenter, and I just had to say that this piece is the best, longest, most artfully concealed buildup to a fart joke ever. I hope that your pitch for this story was “I have a killer set up for a fart joke, but I need you to send me to Vegas to see Celine Dion.” I laughed until I cried.

This is the best thing Jezebel has ever posted.

The last paragraph killed me. I am now in heaven with René.

His twitter feed is one of the few things I ever literally ‘LOL’ at on the internet. Pretty much ever day.

PEW PEW PEW

Can confirm growing up with a mentally ill parent is deeply traumatizing

I have legitimate addiction to Amazon

and then when you’re asleep is when the murder happens....

olivia i just ordered spicy cheetos from amazon to my home

I think it must be exhausting to be Taylor Swift. She’s like the most popular girl at Earth High School.

Why can’t he just jerk off like the rest of us, in the drive thru line at Jack N the Box, dressed in a clown suit, wearing a button that says, “ try my homemade sour dough."