He could make crosses from his lovers, throw roses in the rain.

As long as New Jersey has incoming revenue, Christie will continue to grab and spend it on whatever whims he chooses.

He didn’t happen to carry a strange-looking fob-watch, did he?

Yes, you really do. It’s fucking awesome.

Meth lab run-off.

Do they still make those hot biscuit sandwiches? My favorite was the maple syrup-infused blueberry pancake sandwich with sausage, egg and cheese!

The Democrats are every bit as horny and stupid as the Republicans; yet, they’re actually okay with the rest of us getting laid as well. That lack of repression allows them to remain comparatively sane (for politicians).

He also suggested exhuming Reagan and just propping him up on a dolly behind a podium, as a rotting symbol of America’s utter insanity meant to terrify our enemies into submission.

I also like Lewis Black’s suggested method: a nationally televised reality show, whose winner is blindfolded, spun around and made to toss a dart at a spinning globe. Where the dart lands, you send a monkey on a C-130; when you reach the coordinates, put a parachute on the monkey and shove him off the plane. After he…

And they all vote, every election, without fail.

You could Skype with constituents, maybe? Or just FB chat?

You’re doing it wrong; you preemptively release edited previews of your sex tapes, with the promise of full, HD versions upon election!

I’ve met her. She’s a freak.

I’ve been saying this for years; of course, I’ve been saying we should use strict psych evals to weed out people with a will to even hold political office. I don’t trust anyone who actually wants to lead.

A tasteful, if bland, plaid number.

Why not both?

Nine grand? That’d better be one helluva blow-job!

Thanks; off to swallow the contents of my cutlery drawer.

Florida with a shirt on?

Bom-chicka-wa-waaaa!