So, if you hooked up with someone else, would that be a threesome, or just cheating?

I’m going to go ahead and take Gov. Abbott’s statement as a tacit endorsement of sexually-motivated hate crimes. And I hope, when such hate crimes inevitably occur, the few sane residents of Texas lay the charges squarely upon him and his endorsement. I hope his remarks cost him his political career and utterly ruin…

Dear Bigots, Racists and Various Sex-Phobes:

Starred for the headline alone.

+394 Million Extra Likes.

Congratulations, kid. Your dad is a smug twat.

To paraphrase Spider Jerusalem, he’d stick his dick in a mud puddle if he thought it would wriggle.

Well then, let’s keep our eyes open; if or when they show up again, raise a stink. Start a petition, notify the ACLU, Gawker, any progressive person you know who would listen.

I love your would-be criminal mother, too!

It’s the same hypnosis the GOP pulls on their poor, stupid voter base every election; thanks to a decades-long strategy of keeping them uneducated, scared of everything and angry at all the wrong people, pretend to soothe them with fairy tales about the return of an America that never, ever was so they’ll squander…

Well, this was to be expected. For a brief moment, I considered buying a crate of them myself... and then burning them all on YouTube.

I used to watch the G1 cartoon back in the day; late one night, lying in bed somewhere between wakefulness and dreaming, I randomly thought of Arcee and wondered how Transformers “do it.”

Might go more smoothly if we started by brainwashing the conservatives first.

Kidding...but I’m actually relieved to see it isn’t insanely racist.

Somehow, this version makes even less sense!

I think... but I’m not certain... that’s supposed to be a base. For some reason, the base has claws, clutching bats festooned with feathers. And the base is angry. If it really is a base. Look, the whole damn thing is just a dog’s breakfast of conceptual errors, okay?

UPDATE: Security camera footage of two possible suspects.

I think it’s the pale skin, the arched eyebrows and those epic cheekbones. She looks like she’s trying to concentrate on casting spells, and her kid had to go and distract her with cuteness.

Looks like she’ll have to take away his phone privileges again.

Acoustic Weasley looks like Jason Voorhees in Friday the 13th Part 2, after the burlap sack was finally pulled off his head.