Ah, what could have been.

He looks like the crooked politician in every Steven Seagal movie.

Slow learners at Penn State, this much we know by now.

Edward Scissorhands: The Rebellious Phase.

For now; just wait until the first time they tell him “no.” We’ll be looking at a Category 5 Lohan.

Twenty bucks says this was a rider in Will Smith’s Suicide Squad contract, and they had to go with it after refusing to meet his demand that the movie be re-titled Scientology Squad.

On that subject; how the hell has there not been a licensed Spice Weasel plush released on ThinkGeek or someplace like it?

Plus, Le Grand Prix, and the thickest hotel towels possible, while still being swan-shape-foldable.

Is she tall? I used to watch her on The Adventures of Brisco County, Jr., and Bruce Campbell seemed at times to loom over her.

Are you suggesting she kicked it up a notch?

He’s like fuckin’ Hawkeye with that thing!

It’s Russia; he was probably ground into pigeon feed that same night.

Well, he looks like he weighs less than the stool he was perched on and, he was probably shit-faced as well. She was sober, shocked and pissed off. I think it’s real, and he brought a knife to a gunfight.

If you were her boss, would you even dare? I’d give her a week off with pay, and throw her one helluva party upon her return!

Good for her.

So very seconded.

Yeah, yeah...

I swear to Dad, I am so over being everybody’s object.

Well for Christ’s sake, don’t alert them to that; they’ll yank it and play two straight hours of roided-out dudebros taunting ghosts.