Alcoholism isn't a disease if you're doing it with friends in the room!

I hope you slug her with a fistful of vaccine needles.

Right?!?

Something, something.... anal. Something, something, condoms...

At moments like this, I look to the wise teachings of Henry Rollins:

The small, crispy ones are orgasmically the best! Whether tater tots or fries!

Tater tots rule. Wish I had some now.

Maybe on her best day. If I've been guzzling homemade 'shine. And I squint.

Not on her best day.

I was going to copy/paste a lyric or two from that Fall Out Boy song that's been stuck on a loop at my job for weeks, but man, is it some dog shit.

I could fap to that, but I've had quite a few this evening.

No, that's only if you somehow cause your parents to not meet. Otherwise you're fine.

Were you eating fries, or perhaps tater tots?

Isn't this engagement #2 for Bristol, or do I just not give enough of a shit to keep count?

Gerri Halliwell says "maybe I'm not cool, but I'm cool with that."

This is gonna be good.

Third -and this will read as pretty damn shallow and cynical, but please bear with me:

Fucking Kinja.

Oh, and Salty Stephanie?!?

Or "re-homed."