I scanned that headline and thought “pens” had an extra letter in it, and was disappointed that “John Holmes” wasn’t an option. I also snicker every time I have to hit up my supply closet as well.

I scanned that headline and thought “pens” had an extra letter in it, and was disappointed that “John Holmes” wasn’t…

But sadly, you know Peanut lady (or her heirs) would sue the pants off of the restaurant if she hadn’t been a lying ly-ey liar. I think it is reasonable that a business shouldn’t have to perform a service that has even some finite risk of exposure to a lawsuit, especially given that Peanut lady said she was allergic.…

I see what you did there..

My thought exactly. Pretty much a lose-lose here

Or if you do, leave the bathroom door open...

Just ask John Enwistle!

I prefer more formal sex (top hat, tails, cane, monacle)

I laughed harder when I imagined the bride asking that of the groom.

I have issues with trying to pull other species into this apology. I find it offensive that you are using dogshit, the end-product of an innocent and gentle animal's wholesome biological function, as your standard of poor behavior. Shame on you!

What about instead having a big-ass laser. You could hand out goggles to the people at your table, ZAP! Dinner's ready.

So they're like ancient emos - "I just want to...FEEL SOMETHING!"

Maybe each table could be a booth inside an enormous microwave.

BTW, I have trademarked "Massive Dildo Beatdown" as a name. Not sure if it will be a punk band, a restaurant, or a theme park at this point.

A massive dildo beatdown sufficient to hospitalize the crazed gunman. What could be a better form of justice - live like a dick, die by the dick.

But smoooooooooth. Also, glass is a pretty strong material. Probably holds up to a lot of (self)abuse.

The ultimate promise ring

Although a little slow on the biology

But...where does the coffee come in? I want to hear about the coffee!

Baby steps, baby steps. Rome wasn't built in a single Earth's revolution.

I think it would have gone more like: "Hey guys let's attack..." **BANG BANG BANG**................