Please don't shake anyone. You will just loosen up all the worrying and stress you just projected all over them.

I do it on the same day. The same stylist colors and cuts my hair and it is a bit of a musical chairs thing where I get the color applied, wait in another chair while she cuts someone else's hair, then her assistant washes the color out and I come back to her station to have my hair cut and styled.

Well, it’s too late for me. But hopefully this will save future generations.

Please note how he fat-shames the other, lesser cat while pointing out how his own cat is rich and famous.

So what you're really saying is water isn't water, then. ;)

I got sorta dizzy reading that. So yes, I think that means you're doing it right.

That’s what I love about all of this.

Ha, brilliant!!

I know there’s a lot of Paltrow Hatred around these parts, but I think despite her goofy descriptors of her relationship status, she and Martin are handling their separation well from the standpoint of their kids.

What my family chanted every time I sat down to eat as a kid.

At the very beginning of Crocs, a friend bought me a pair for gardening. They seemed like a good concept, but I kept tripping in them and water would get in there and I’d slosh around a lot.

...but there’s so many holes in the crocs....ohhh I get it!

What kind of doctor wouldn’t, that’s the question to ask. And thank you, bottoms up. GET IT?! WINE. TWERKING. GET IT????

Anytime, butterboaster, anytime. Also, if you have wine, hand some over, please....I’ve only had sparkling water and tea tonight. I’m so ready for a glass.

That’s such a sad mental image. Come out into the light, and twerk your butter off your boaster like nobody is looking.

Asspertise needs to be on your new business card.

Well....which ass was it that you got right? Because that could make a huge difference.

I’m envisioning one of those huge wine glasses that holds a whole bottle.*

Ha! I can’t even see if mine is there. Grrrrr.

Indeed. In. Deed. ;)