I think he’s going for a “fat, middle aged lapsed action star can’t accept that he is fat and middle aged and so is pulling out all the stops to hide it” look.

And apparently can take WAY more fucks than ever possibly give.

Wait - so “anything” in this case basically amounts to “practically nothing”. Which, then, to rephrase your comment “...basically proves you really can do practically nothing if you set your mind to it”....not that inspiring.

“It was the best of times, it was the blurst of times”

Her?

It’s a horrible bit of irony that the neckbeard grown to cover double-triple-quadruple chins often looks much much worse than any kind of multi-chin situation ever could...

You may lose your hands but you’ll gain an AWWWWWWWWW

Because all of the good commenters left and so now you’re all stuck with me. And, I guess, you.

A poop analyzer to tell you...what you ate?

Every movie has an exclamation point in the title if you’re excited enough to see it

He really only impersonates three sounds and the real story here is his commitment to the bit. 0.7/10 Great Job Internets

Never follow a Sheltie to a second location, that’s what I say.

See, I disagree. I think there are very firm borders around each of those:

And will jump through all sorts of logical hoops to justify it. “No, I’m more attracted to 12 year olds than 10 year olds because 12 is when women hit peak fertility. It’s only natural, GAWD. OH EVOLUTION WHY DID YOU CURSE ME THIS WAY”.

“Please upgrade to SamanthaOS 3 and restart your Samantha in order to continue with the command TELL ME HOW YOU LIKE IT BABY”

Have you SEEN the Huckabee clan? While I appreciate the urge to make them suffer, ain’t nothin’ but the top-o-the-line woodchipper gonna be able to handle a job that big.

Nate I don’t know what you did but there now appear to be two, slightly different versions of you and oh no here comes the other Nate and he looks like he wants to kill y

Ah, the tried and true “It made my dick hard so I should get to fuck it” defense...

No, you see - in Russia they call Real Doll makers “great great grandfathers”. What, you might ask, do they call actual great great grandfathers?

There was a time not that long ago where being outed as a hypocrite and liar was enough to end your career in public service. Hell, not too long before that you could lose your private sector job for being a liar and hypocrite.