Same asshole:

ffs, don’t lump Katie Nolan in with Bill Simmons. That is just cruel and unusual punishment. Katie Nolan is a national treasure, while butthole Bill just crept back to ESPN to cohost PTI like a sleazy deadbeat going home to screw the estranged wife but leaving before the kids wake up because he can’t remember their…

I love pickles, but I hate pickles on burgers. When you’re eating a burger, all of the flavors blend together for the perfect greasy burger flavor... until you hit the pickle. Then your taste buds say, “that was a pickle.” The flavor doesn’t work with everything else, and I don’t get why people love it so much.

You know what does stain Saban’s eventual legacy?

So you’re saying I can have your pickle spear

I SENT THE WEDDING ONE! Holy shit what a fucking mess that was:

You fool! The correct move was to silently maintain eye contact while getting the straw as far in your mouth as you can. Then you would have had all the used-Porsche joyrides you could handle!

Chili is healthy. Yep.

I eat the spear FIRST. The brininess whets the appetite.

Even though my kids are past toddlerhood, I still get panic sweats if they’re around an uncovered glass. And I have taken after my dad in getting super pissy when a kid spills a drink. OH CHRIST WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT?!

Chili is great, but if I have to hear some sanctimonious prick try to tell me one more time that they “prefer a white chili with chicken and cilantro” I will fight them. Call that THING whatever you want to call it, but do not call it chili! Chili is red, red like the fires of hell, and should never contain poultry.…

MacGyver will always be MacGyver.

My wife makes a dish that uses ground turkey instead of ground beef and zucchini and squash instead of beans. It is not bad, and it is also not chili.

I had a buddy in high school who’s parents got divorced our freshman year. His dad got a bachelor pad apartment and bought a used Porsche.  He also got an ear pierced - total midlife crisis.  I remember we were drinking Jack and Cokes in glasses with straws.  He told us, “guys, only cocksuckers use straws.”  As fucked…

I work at an aeronautics company, and I can’t really explain how planes fly either.

We’re adults. We can sip from a cup, yet our default action is to sip through a straw like we can’t trust ourselves to go lid-less.

On the subject of Chris “America’s Ass” Evans- go see Snowpiercer. Now. Do it. IMO maybe 2nd best film of the decade (Mad Max: Fury Road being the OBVIOUS #1)

One of my biggest pet peeves in the entire world is when people refer to actors by the name of their most popular TV/movie character (e.g. calling Glenn Howerton Dennis Reynolds in conversation or online).

The Force is worthless if you can’t show off with it.

My wife’s grandmother once made a scene at a restaurant because everyone else at the table were served a pickle, but she wasn’t (she’d ordered soup).  The waitress ended up bringing her a pickle which she, of course, didn’t eat.