Salem witches got better deals than this.

i want matt gaetz’s stupid buck toothed face beaten into a fine mist.

Barr never met a war criminal or wannabe dictator whose boots he would not lick.

A good time to remember that Colin Kaepernick gave up his job and all the considerable perks that come with it to stand up against injustice, while LeBron James, whose legacy and bank account are both more secure, is unwilling to risk even a small fraction of future earnings to speak on one of the few world issues…

I understand the players are caught between a rock and a hard place. But this has to be one of the most craven capitulations to money I have ever seen by a major athlete. Should have kept quiet. His rationale is bullshit.

I do enjoy the idea of someone trying to smuggle scotch pods in their butt, then they explode because they accidentally sat down too hard and then they die of alcohol poisoning. Crazy millennials always dying from pods!

I actually believe Trump when he says he’s never had a drink or taken drugs. His brother died from alcoholism, after all.

I strongly, strongly recommend clicking through and watching him get torn to tiny little brand-humping shreds in the replies.

Trump’s search history is almost certainly full of Civics 101 inquiries like “how does a bill become a law,” “whats’ the difference between the House and the Senate,” “what is the electoral college,” and “is it illegal for a sitting president to withhold military aid to an ally unless that ally agrees to investigate a…

I switched to Liberty Mutual because they put a fucking emu in their advertisements. Not because they have a great product and helped me save money

I want cake now

This was true up until the advent of broadband. It is now an antiquated take that children will look upon curiously.

Endorsements help educate consumers, and sham endorsements short circuit that process. For example, I was once a State Farm customer, because family is important to me and it came through how important family was to the Paul twins (Chris and Cliff). But I switched to Nationwide because I value creativity, and the…

But is it moist?

The list also lacked “guy”, which is my absolute least favorite. I’m not your guy, Guy.

Poor guy was just trying to get rid of the crabs.

I was called “Hoss” once by a random store clerk, and it felt kinda awesome. 

I will die upon the Hill of Dude. I am a man who came of age in the 80's when Dudes were Dudes and Bro’s had not yet harshed our Dudeness. A Dude is a man of relaxed character and mellow disposition, The Dude was called so for a reason.

NO-AH ONE-AH DENIES-AH THIS-AH!