You are not alone. I have to know how big that shlong really is? Is it just the length, or does it have the girth too? I need answers to these questions!

Shit like that is how you can always tell that fashion designers hate women

Your flag decal won’t get you into heaven anymore.

who is based on guy from New Jersey, written and portrayed by a guy from New York. 

The city’s biggest celebrities are all local news anchors.

That’s a long drive home with torrential diarrhea. 

There’s also a market for trashy, performatively-patriotic overly-expensive clothes, too.

I’m going to found a sex toy business in response to mainstream sex toy manufacturers which don’t adequately respect the 20th Amendment.

Makes as much sense as this piece of bullshit.

“This is saying, somebody like me has a place in this industry,” 

The line is with Alexo Athletica, which, according to its site, was founded as a response to mainstream athleisure brands which don’t adequately respect the Second Amendment.

Literally no one has ever said those words to you. God, even in introducing a fucking clothing line, which I guarantee you did zero fucking work other than tell people I want to put a shotgun in my leggings and MORE STARS, you have to play the victim card.

Jokes on you, I won’t bite.

This is good, and I only hope he died screaming.

I just now learned she actually has hands. Not the parts I’ve been looking at

It still blows my mind that she’s married to the “these snozzberries taste like snozzberries” guy from Super Troopers.

Deep-fired chicken foot, eh?

I call B.S. You can’t fool me. That is the hand of George Costanza.

I wish that was the rest of her in the bathtub.

From an Eagles fan perspective, the Birds struggled all season. But then they came into their own the final few weeks of the season. And on that last day of the season, we needed the Vikings to lose to the Bears so that the Birds could sneak in to the playoffs. The Eagles struggled with the Bears for 3 quarters. The…

If your season comes down to whether or not a kicker makes a 40+ yard field goal, a whole bunch of people on your team have already failed.