I will comfort her in her declining years.

Good thing that I'm a white male aged 18 to 49. Everyone listens to me, no matter how dumb my suggestions are.

Stupid babies get the most attention.

"Have we, the prisoners, become the wardens?"

"Because you need me, Gravity Falls. Your guilty conscience may move you to vote for Tyler Cutebiker, but deep down you long for a cold-hearted interdimensional being to lower taxes, brutalize citizens, and rule you like a god. That's why I did this, to save you from yourselves. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a city…

But then Bill was literally saved by the bell.

Mayor Cutebiker has obviously never seen Ghostbusters, or else he'd know that you can't just politely ask evil interdimensional beings to leave your town.

- JEB! Bush

The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world the Golden Globes mattered.

On the other hand, I'm greatly enjoying all the Chicagenfreude last night's game provided.

Maybe the show can travel back to a point when Cubs fans hadn't made me retroactively hate Back to the Future Part II.

I heard that!

Hey, I don't pay you to sing! You just used up today's bathroom break.

If someone offers you a grunkle sandwich, don't accept it.

"At this point, it’s uncler whether Morricone will provide a distinct score for each version."

I don't like Russell Crowe. It's coarse and irritating and it gets everywhere.

Shit, if this is gonna be that kind of party, I'm gonna stick my dick in the mashed potatoes!

ProTip: When you wear a tie to a house party, everyone assumes that you own the place, so feel free to do whatever you want.

Ballistic: Sex vs. City

When I was a kid, I used to lay in bed at night looking up at the stars and think to myself "Where the hell is the roof?"