Wanna smile?

I think it feels better knowing I’m not going to get preggers before I’m ready

Saying ‘it doesn’t feel as good with a condom’ will 100% of the time kill my ladyboner. It hasn’t been scientifically proven, but I know it’s true.

In general, everything Caitlyn Jenner has ever done was done by Caitlyn Jenner. So yes, she won the gold.

Laughing at a menstruating woman = virgin

Here’s your 23.5% wage cut. Enjoy.

Hey now. I can see marrying a girl, having some kids with her, whatever. But a tattoo? That’s so....permanent.

Was it up in her snizz? Does each bottle get some sort of Maker’s Mark vaginal secretion style dripping on its cap?

A friend ran into her kid’s kinder teacher having a margarita one night at a restaurant, and when the kid asked, “Mommy, why does Ms. S have a margarita?” she replied, “For the same reason Mommy does, sweetheart. Just let her relax.”

I run in to my daughter’s preschool teacher at the grocery store almost every weekend and she always has a 24 Pack of corona. seriously why would I care? My kid sees me drink beer...its not illegal or ever weird. I actually seriously debated just buying her a case and some limes for the end of year gift. At least I’d…

45. Writes self serving humblebrag posts on Jezebel and shows wife all the stars he got because he’s an awesome feminist.

You shut your mouth (I turn 40 in October) :/

She didn’t even get a Last Fuckable Day party.

I know I’m not supposed to be “snarking” on other women/moms, and I’m supposed to support everyone’s choices without contributing to the “mommy wars”. But I live around people who are a little like this, and I’m sorry but it’s getting old. No actual wife bonuses. But a whole lot of women whose lives revolve around…

I work with high school kids and when this came up in a debate, one of the very religious kids said, “THAT’S NOT TRUE, ABSTINENCE ALWAYS WORKS.”

The last 5 pounds? Well that's just fucking adorable.

That five year old girl kicked Kevin Spacey’s ass and it wasn’t even close.

Please tell me you’ve already watched Dance Academy. Yes it is about teenagers but OMG SO GOOD.

WTF, says everyone in the Midwest.