The roots of my semi-successful career in improvisational comedy were solid well before I ever got a glimpse of a bra.

In the second grade, I told my teacher at my new Catholic school that I spoke Japanese. I made some vaguely-Japanese sounds, and she said “wow, what did you just say?” I said “I have no idea, I said I…

you know that “scoundrel” means a dishonest person, right?

Having lived through a couple of thousand of them now, in answer to your first part, depends on how big it is and how much splashing there is from the bowl, in answer to the second part I did get to use the line “Did the earth move for you?”

There’s a place for both newcomers and veterans, guys who are slower and guys who bounce around he ring like ping-pong balls. A great wrestling show uses all of it correctly and in the right spots. Having too many fast-paced matches in a row wears the crowd out. Too many slow, mat-based matches bores them to tears.

Oh I have the best story about a wedding proposal...

You didn’t win in 1812.

no, they fax it, silly.

And do what, email it to Steam?

Steam is a computer program for games. Last time I checked, you can’t shove CASH into your computer.

I remember it like it was yesterday - my first day at work. “Who the hell are you??” I thundered. “Who do you think I am??” my coworkers screamed, as we battled throughout the plant for hours. Each time I met a new cube-mate, there was an epic melee.

Every non-Patriots fan:

Jon Stewart: “Tommy...you cheating fucker.”

I got left in the back hatch of a SAAB 9-5 to play with my cars when I was 8 while my uncle and my aunt went gambling at a Casino once, while they were supposed to be babysitting.

But you’d think in a family, they would just designate one person to film it. It’s not like they had drastically different perspectives.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, let me put it to you this way: this weekend I went to record my 0-to-60 time. So I pressed “START” on my phone stopwatch, and I hammered the gas pedal, and the total time came to two minutes and 19 seconds, because that’s how long it took me to find my phone after it flew into the backseat…

As a lawyer, it’s insulting that that’s how you think class actions work. Such a lopsided payout would never happen. The lawyers would get 73 million, and the plaintiffs would get $9.95 off of their next pay-per-view.

Come play with us, Danny.

I disagree totally, I have written 180+ articles on the F-35, I hate this program and called for its cancellation consitantly for years. But I also think disinformation muddies educated opinion. I am with Sprey with thinking this program is a remarkable disaster and I agree with much of what he says, but I will not…