Because of that pesky “felony assault and battery with a toxic substance” thing. Damn law.

Bald eagles are all about disruptin

That is the most American headline I’ve ever read.

I would just dip my balls into a separate pitcher of heavy cream, which I would keep in the cooler especially for him.

We’re coming home along the Thruway and decide to stop at McD’s. There’s a woman and smallish kid in front of us getting huffy and I can tell this won’t end well. And in due time she starts yelling at the cashier, “Why is everything more expensive here? This is ridiculous! You’re ripping people off!” and so on, as the…

Many years ago, my mother said something to me (I think she got it from Dave Barry) that went “anyone who is not nice to service people is not nice, period.” I applied that rule to my dating life and it’s saved me countless unpleasant meals in the “embarrassed husband tips $50” vein.

Truly, malignant narcissists are…

This was one of the darkest collections of customers in a long time. I’m going to need an hour of deer-and-bunny videos to clear out the sympathetic rage. And then I’ll grill the most perfect cross-hatch into a lunchtime chicken breast that you’ve ever seen.

NO JURY IN THE WORLD WOULD CONVICT YOU.

And then spray her in the face with the little squirt bottle reserved exactly for these instances of being a horrible person.

No shit, my story would end with "There were no survivors of what came to be called "The Pizza Cutter Massacre."

Dear dining public:

This entitled housewife looks back at her impressionable child and calmly says “She is yelling because that girl deserves it, the service is terrible every time we come here.” And then she looked me straight in the eyes.

This is a former governor and Fox television host. He’s not making some crazy rant on the internet. He is the Republican party. He is not a moron. He is a cruel, calculating man in a position of power.

Yeah....where’s the “I feel like I’m taking crazy pills!” gif from Zoolander? Because that’s what this situation is.

it’s a child, not a fucking stray puppy

That’s Midwest Shruggy to you! The West Coast can still get a 3rd Shruggy in and it’ll become an all-out music war. No worries, though, my “diss tracks” will be a la Taylor Swift.

The only weird-but-polite sex thing we are known for is knowing how to have it in a canoe. Though arguably, you could also eat waffles in a canoe.

damn, you got there first.

What are normal boundaries? What do you think happened when people had two-room apartments and families with six kids and counting?

Is that girl wearing a dress matching her dolls? How old is she? So. Many. Questions.