(OK, given: All Puritans in America were pilgrims, but not all pilgrims were Puritans. Thanks to Mass. Jezzies for stressing the distinction.)
My favorite part of the story is that they first leave decadant, be-wigged England because everyone is dressing like a transvestite and enjoying sex and go to the Netherlands…

Along with Baby Incubator, yes.

Don’t diss the hunch

Wait, is Leviticus a font yet? Because if it’s not, we could make a mint selling a mundane, open source font to CPACers as the world’s only biblically correct typeface for true christians.

And the fact that all those stencilled elephants make the fabric much stiffer and facilitate upskirt photography — total coincidence, dude.

That pamphlet un-ironically being sold right next to the College Republicans table selling the “No Means Yes; Yes Means Anal” bumper stickers and beer coozies.

Well, the strawberry blonde is clearly trying to hide from a stalker. Way to tip off Bill O’Reilly about Brittany’s hiding place, Gawker.

“...as her rising tide lifted his boat...”

Ha! We all know the only “science” that happens down there is alien probes.

She’ll have much more fun as politician’s Blonde Side Piece because there’s the whole guaranteed affair with a younger woman or coming out of the closet thing once she becomes a Blonde Political Wife. But she’ll still have her miniature 9mm in a gender appropriate color pallette, so there’s that...

Wait, “Bossy Power Bottom” is a thing? Because it sounds like something straight out of a BSDM cartoon by The Oatmeal.

So, not a character in “Fargo”?

So helmet haired, pearl clutching wives can practise shouting “Harlot!” at someone while the menfolk excuse themselves to masturbate furiously in the bathroom?

Please don’t tell me there’s an actual anti-goat backlash brewing/actually happeneing amongst the pearl clutchers and bible beaters. The Republican nominating process has already cratered my faith in humanity...

Take the kids! It’s just like a Pilgrim Petting Zoo!

Yes, this is all a precursor to Game of Throne: The Next Generation after Martin kills off everyone this season. GoT:TNG will only be 7 episodes long as the new, teenage rules of the Seven Kingdoms quickly learn important lessons about life in Westeros.

I was going to go with Russian Mail Order Bride of the Month subscription, but that works, too.

Fox & Friends First is the “I Get to Cut to the Front of the Line” phrase at the Values Voter Summit after-hours orgy. No sloppy seconds for headline talent and big doners.

It’s not like Roger Ailes has a huge, temperature controlled vault attached to his office with dozens of hot, blonde androids simply awaiting either the SexBot or Newscaster controller chip implant.

I am reminded of the old Arab proverb — “Me and my brother against our cousin; me and my brother and my cousin against the stranger.”