Well, he's marrying into a family that brainwashes their daughters into believing that their main duty in marriage is to shut the hell up and do what the man tells them. It's not like he's cruising OKCupid for a girl from UC Berkeley with an MA in Women's Studies.

It's even weirder/sadder/more disturbing than it sounds. "Met at church" for a normal couple would mean that the girl at least had a universe of a couple hundred families within which to find a potential mate. But if the article I've linked to below is to be believed (and chime in Jezzies if it's bunk!) because the…

As our sage friend Dan Savage would say: DMFA — Dump the Motherfucker Already. I'm also kinda flashing back to his advice that it's better to date a known foot fetishist than a closeted necrophiliac. The level of cruelty this guy delivers while trolling anonymously should be a huge red flag. That whole "they're not…

You're not making enough to pay some illegal to roll around in the caviar for you? (Monocle drops into teacup) How gauche.

"In a world where everybody kept their damned clothes on..." at which point 95% of potential movie goers would click to the next trailer.

I'm pretty sure in West Virginia, that means you're married.

Or: "Stop thinking with your damned yam hammer! We've got to sell this product to chicks, too, before our venture capital dries up!"

Or at least his yam hammer.

But it's not really about cost savings: it's about sanctimony.

They will undoubtedly set a new standard with their weird mash-up of un-ironic and sanctimonious misogyny slathered in lawyerly weasel wording.

Wasn't "Spank Wizard" the call sign for Ice Man's navigator in Top Gun? Or maybe that was George W. Bush when he was in the Air National Guard...who can keep these things straight?

Even The Tick would have a hard time finding something nice to say about Monogrammed Coffee Thermos Man. His only friend is probably The Spleen from Mystery Men...

"Beers" you say? That guy's hairdo scream "Zima drinker" to me.

The betting pool is now open. What will our good friend Mr. Hickey shortly be found to be doing?
— Anonymous Gay Bathroom Sex
— Hiring a prostitute (bonus if it involves humiliation or diapers, paging Sen. Vitter!)
— Hiring a male prostitute
— Pedophilia (bonus points if it's through church)
— Plain ol' vanilla…

Why did Colbert leave Comedy Central *before* he could add this to this opening animation!?

Sirius Black was a good call, but I'm still going with Sandor Clegane.

And delivered to you by an extremely slow, but well-meaning turtle.

OK, sympathetic viewer have me wondering if Guy has these weird Smeagol/Gollum fights between the two sides of his personality off camera. Like Guy Fieri is some runaway branding monster with a life of its own and trapped inside it is some perfectly nice kid named Edwin Finklestein who just wanted to grill some…

Right on, Bastard Chef!

+1000 Literatures for the obscure Terry Pratchett hat tip! Glad I wasn't the only one who wondered about that.