Say Yes to Distress

Every time a member at my church goes in for surgery or a medical treatment, the first thing we do is pray for the hands of the doctor, nurses and medical staff. Miracles are worked through their hands, denying the miraculousness of modern medicine is ludacris.

Once when the rodeo (truth- I live in a large city but it is still in the Midwest) was somehow in town, my bar manager gave me tickets. I went with my best friend, picked out the hottest cowboy, and decided that I was so going to fuck him.

This article requires Mark Schraber.

There’s a diner that I like to go to that has a Beyonce at the turn in. (It’s set back a bit, requiring a short jaunt down a dirt road.) Every time I turn in, I say “Knock knock, motherfucker.”

I got my mother a metal yard chicken for her birthday in December. It isn’t as big as Beyonce and looks a bit different, so…

Mosquitoes are the most dangerous creatures to humans because they spread so many delightful diseases. Hate those fuckers, it’s ok!

Oh my gawd, THANK YOU!

I don’t know, but it’s really colouring my enjoyment of this.

To be fair, there was a separate part of the episode in which he explained that because of California draughts, the mini-lake he built for the water show drew from the family pool, which they eventually refill yearly from rainwater.

every time you feel the urge to spend time debating what the national public narrative on body acceptance should be - jog in place for 5 minutes instead.

Every time you feel the need to post a comment, jog in place for 5 minutes instead.

Well that’s just smart, both those birds are straight up gangsta. They don’t call a group of crows a murder for nothing.

I am am going to put on my Production Manager Hat and rip whoever is running the audio mix a new one during the break

babies can’t date. only one baby at a time fits in the cozy coupe.

Confession time: I have photos of my three year old sitting at a bar drinking apple juice out of a shot glass. Not my idea, we were having lunch in the beer garden and his Daddy was taking him to the bathroom...

I’m trying to figure out if you’re trolling. The way to get the work valued and appreciated for biological mothers isn’t to demean stepmothers who prefer to self-identify with a word that does not pack the punch you’re putting into it. Also, seeing as how the vast majority of women don’t ever set out to be a…

The View is allegedly trying to hire Gwyneth Paltrow. Let that sink in for a second

A real butt lift is always no sergical. Only French seams are used. #sewingjokes