That's too warm, if you fell asleep with that thing on your abdomen you would wake up in a puddle of piss like summer camp.

Holy shitballz, did the inventor have any cats? My fat boy Cosmo goes off like a hand grenade whenever he hears a loud noise, if a car backfired while he was chowing down in that little box there would be blue plastic shrapnel sticking out of the wall.

Hey, I have a white star now. Wuz that mean? More ladies for me? *crosses fingers

"I got my pistol point cocked, I ring shots non-stop, until I see your monkey ass drop. And let your homeys know who done it. 'Cause when it come to this gangsta' shit you muther phukkers know who run it."

"Tremors" worms? How DARE you sir use the movie name, the scientific term for these creatures is 'Graboids.' I know this because I got Tremors 1-4 on DVD @ Walmart for $5.99 last weekend, Michale Gross is the man!

This celebrity headphone thing is getting old, pretty soon Beats will have a fragrance at Macy's too. "Wut you mena you ain't got no music servis homey?"

QR Codes are just so damn ugly.

Hey Bob, that unicorn on the small of your back is blinking, you gonna see who it is?

Congrats AssMaster5000, welcome to the organization. Those were some fine ho's on your profile and you showed excellent keg stand poise, yer gonna' go far here kid.

I prefer manual, that way at least SOMETHING I grip during a round of golf goes in the direction I intended it too.

Plus the cheese shows up under a black light, not good for the strip club.

With day-glo Dorritos paws? Awful.

Get the technology in their little paws now, because if they fail to grasp it they could grow up and become luddite ITRecruiters. Then nobody wins.

In other news, not working out at all and eating Dorritos on the couch leads to zero orgasms.

This isn't even remotely funny, Scientology can ruin a young child.

It sounds like you had a good relationship with your Dad, even though it wasn't for as long as you hoped. That totally beats someone having their Dad around for a long time that had no relationship, which is why I disagree with you that choosing to be a Father later in life is irresponsible. Having no relationship…

Me too, kinda shocked I had to scroll down so far :)

I love real racing on my iPad2, it still blows me away today. I'm afraid this app on the retina display would stop my heart via massive joygasm :)

Now THAT is the best reason I've heard so far to wait on the new iPad. Comics on the iPad are like Oreos and milk, just meant to be.

Thank u for that, my company firewall inhibits the depth of my contributions. I've been doing standup since '01 and remember how refreshed I felt when I first caught Demetri's act. He is a niche guy, and most idiots don't get his stuff. Doublehawk...priceless.