I grant you full ownership of the interwebs for one week.

Trump got nervous when he heard there was a successful gambler around again.

Nine times out of ten I’m thinking of a smart ass comment to go along with these stories, but let me tell you something. Eleven years ago I ran into Tom Benson at a Starbucks. Was one of the nicest, easiest guys to talk to. An old time gabber who would talk to you about anything. Inside every human is a good soul, and…

So one day, this old lady calls me—by the way, I met her later, very good looking for her age, not a pound overweight, very beautiful—she tells me the portions are too small. And I tell her, “That’s a terrible shame. That’s really a shame. I know Dave Thomas. I play racquetball with him all the time. He cheats all the…

You guys...I’m starting to think he may not actually be very bright.

Heyoooooooooooo!

I look forward to them somehow going -4-20 next year.

+1 factory of sadness

nobody will be able to point to a career highlight reel or single, unforgettable play when describing his greatness

For me, the reactions of the girlfriend really stood out to me, not that anything about it wasn’t shocking. Rather just her non-chalant reactions made it clear that she was completely used to him doing stuff like that, which is just chilling.

The only thing that man loves is himself. And I mean it when I say ‘thing’.

I mean, hiring a guy accused of serious financial crimes to the Trump Campaign is pretty directly on-brand.

I love this so, so much. Makes me long for my salad days, metaphorically and follicly.

There are few universal truths. Fire is hot. Water is wet. Will Cain is an idiot.

I bet the person who took the pictures is really regretting deleting the other photo of Cuban sniffing his finger. “Why would anyone want to see a picture of someone doing that? Plus I was running out of space on my phone.”

It doesn’t seem very romantic when you write it down like that.

If the digit doesn’t fit you must acquit.

Let’s not be too quick to judge Ms. DeVos. Maybe her plan was to meet with three people, then each of those people would meet with three more people, and so on and so on.

Are we sure she actually petted the dog and wasn’t just examining its suitability as a future coat?

Mr Smoker is on the PUP list.