Time for this:

They see me rollin', they be hatin?

A galaxy of stars for your dad. I bet he’s all c-walkin’ in his ‘chair, too.

Like we owe it to them to explain your disability. No, no I don’t. Just accept that sometimes I need the wheelchair and sometimes I don’t, sometimes I fall or have to sit down or get overwhelmed by my body and I don’t have to justify it to anyone.

Sometimes I actually prefer cripple. What I don’t enjoy is able-bodied people telling me how I have to talk about myself. Which happens regularly.

y u gotta be usin lawyers

Great piece. And I’m jealous of your typing ability because I can’t do it well with ten (usually functional) fingers.

I bet this is GOOPy’s way of slowly bringing them back into the spotlight, to launch their comeback tours now that their love can be legally ratified in all 50 states. She’s got a bunker underneath that barn of hers that has been their home since their supposed ‘deaths’, and they’re the creative genius behind all of…

I really, really hope this happens. I don’t want this cow to profit off them.

Oh for fucks sake, Gwynneth!

Poor Nas, always the bridesmaid.

Huckabee is an idiot but Jon Stewart is getting tired. I won’t miss him. It won’t happen but it is time for higher political satire.

Seeing Caitlyn finally happy brings me so much joy. I’m an unashamed Kardashian fan, a huge one. She was always so miserable on the show before her transition.

I need up up my airport waiting game. Mostly I sit there grumpily as my flight is delayed YET AGAIN!

Kids got moves

“Not much coming through for the OG duck.”

OK, then revise that to: I need a flower crown.

I need more excuses to wear flower crowns

These thingamajigs...you’re supposed to use them to cut the wrapping off the tops of wine bottles, but you can just as easily use the tip of the corkscrew of wine-openers. Waiter’s corkscrews also come with a small knife blade for exactly this. I don’t need a whole new widget just for this one minor function, even if…

eating a salad as a full meal is like eating whispers