At first I was

Ha ha. They wouldn’t have to get close enough to read the internet to make that call.

Uh, if that happened to me, I would be writing this from the library of the corrections facility in my blaze autumn jumpsuit. DO. NOT. EVEN. LOOK. AT. MY. SHEARS.

You guise are so inspiring I went and dug our tres expensive enameled dutch oven (Le Crofton, for you Aldi types) out of the basement. What should I make?

heh heh heh....why do you think everything tastes salty?

yeah, and second amendment, armed bears, bald eagles screeching overhead...

They wouldn’t do that! They’re not American!

Americans men are violent, mean, entitled and isolated.

I’m american, AND mentally ill, and I’ve never even punched anyone, except that one time in fifth grade, and we WERE playing hockey...

....fjords....

These bananas are DEAD, Burke!

5. They don’t have families like Muslims do who would take revenge for rape.

It’s called infibulation. You didn’t mention how this is not done in a surgery suite, but usually on the ground, with a sharp piece of metal (tin can lid, etc.)

Shut up. There’s one on the corner I work.

Going rate’s 30 pieces of silver. Oh wait, this is Missouri. Never mind.

“Could you pick up the kids on the way back? They’re in the family room.”

Oh yeah. I forgot. That’s mine. I like having to drive to hit the light switch.

My cats seem to think their butts are pretty compelling in and of themselves. “Now witness the power of this armed and FULLY OPERATIONAL dirt star!”