hold on. a woman went out dancing in a bar in the united states of america, a stranger yanked her top down against her will, some coozehounds filmed it, copied it, and sold it, and that's not illegal? and they then had to go to court over it? like, there's even a gray area here?

i realize that race is always a hair-triggery, coming-totally-fucking-unglued-on-the-internet-worthy topic, but it seems to be as though CC has only laid her cards on the table here. she was told that her dad might be half-black, and she thinks that would be, you know, cool if it were true, so FYI, ladies and germs.

that's seriously ghetto.

dear jezebel: please stop posting about lindsay lohan. oh, my god. this is the only post about her i've ever clicked on, and it's to beg for mercy. i could not give less of a shit about this poor wretched woman, and i have a perhaps prescient feeling that i'm not alone.

@livestockvan: ditto. i wasn't quite sure how to say it, so i lazed out and didn't, but you've done a much better job here than i could have hoped to. thanks.

aw, unmitigated joy. not so easy to capture on film. really nice.

@nobodyr: that's a beautiful and pristine first sentence there.

i lived in queens for a year and i wish i didn't know where it was. oh, to have a spotless mind . . . .

hmm, my stage name is dagmar [redacted], so i guess i could be dagmar azul. (mar azul is an essentially unheard-of tequila.)

yeah, i have bleached white-blonde hair and it's sure as shit not gray. it wasn't gray when it was tavi-blue either. not equals.

i like his out-of-context reply assuring someone that he won't be murdered for telling someone that he liked a girl band. because wait, i don't even . . . who said anything about . . . what?

@anteup lost her pizazz: you and me both, babe.

you and me both, babe.

"I've often wondered (especially in those desperate youthful moments when I was still 5'3" but seriously strapped for cash) why everyone - even a family of 5'4" folks - would still crave the mystical beacon of height; when does "improvement" become arbitrary?"

you should only be embarrassed about the UPS guy seeing your nipples if you're ashamed of the shape of your nipples or something, because that guy's been seeing strangers' nipples (and better) since 6am. he is totally over it.

@willwriteforfood: hey, if you don't mind being made fun of this time because it's for something different, then, uh, knock yourself out. who am i to protest.

i don't know about you guys, but i chat up the bartender because i want cheap and/or strong drinks.

@anna.molly: for REAL. shrewd observation.

@Agumen: good thing you didn't, because if you did, consequences will never be the same, AM I RIGHT

oh, dude, megyn kelly is the biggest dick of all television time. i frequently quote the episode of "kelly's court" where she progressively loses her fucking mind about britney spears's "if you seek amy." "it's OBVIOUS what she's DOING!" like, her entire world is ending.