All hail the mid-Atlantic! According to 538, Trump has only an 11% chance of winning Virginia and a 23% chance of winning North Carolina. By contrast, Clinton has a 24% chance of winning Texas.

It’s a satire of cool table clinginess, intentional or not.

True, FERPA trumps all that, but when it comes to interdepartmental communications where student information can be whited out or the embarrassing amount of power he might wield over the actual educational establishment at the school, it’s fair game.

I especially like the disconnect when he’s at a public university that could ultimately be bound by open records laws, not that Michigan probably doesn’t have some convenient exceptions to disclosure and transparency written into the statutes.

He’s never not writing (his primary avocation); maybe everybody could harken back to another guy who was primarily a writer and was just dreadful initially (for at least a year): Conan O’Brien.

That’s why those regional camps are going to be such a thrill, telling reporters from all different parts of the country to fuck off, we’re running this publicity mill and don’t like inconvenient questions muddying our dopey narrative.

“That’s why I don’t give you any information cause you’re never satisfied” “Well how are we going to be satisfied with nothing?“ (red-assery software short-circuits, Har-bot powers down)

Hopefully this will make room for classic episodes of Crank Yankers or The Man Show, back when Comedy Central original programming MATTERED.

I’ll happily discuss this but under one condition, all takes when read out must not last over 7/100th of a second.

Coincidentally, Belly Flop is the name of the upcoming book about the rise and ignominious fall of Chris Christie.

To use an analogy 80-year-old cartoon aficionados can understand, Beltran : Andrus :: Spike : Chester

And much like Trump in the upcoming general election, Papelbon forgot how to close in a crucial spot.

Fair enough, time for an additional half-hour of America’s Funniest Internet Videos hosted by I Love Rape Jokes Guy and Twitter Does the Heavy Lifting on Dreary Hashtags Because I’m Just the Jagoff Who Hosted Singled Out to entrap another 20-year-old honkey viewer.

The one example she gave was that some young’un who said he didn’t really like poking around in the attic (checking for A/C leak), despite the fact she scheduled an early time to avoid the midday heat. From now on, she says, only 20+ year veterans who are nearing retirement, bonus if they have an unironic mustache.

According to my research, use of the passive phrase “Put in a position” has grown 2500% in the past 20 years, mainly thanks to sports yakkers and apologists. At this rate, 50% of the sentences we speak by 2050 will include this odious phrase and the active voice will have disappeared.

Related to the related: just this morning, actually had a conversation with an office mate this morning where she bemoaned the state of young (under 50) handymen/general contractors, saying they’re useless. As a particularly useless Gen-Xer, I was inclined to agree.

In related news, not so many Lava-brand pumice soap commercials on TV anymore.

NOt everything has to be funny to everyone at all hours of the day.

Maybe you’ll get into The Talking Midnight, where Chris Hardwick provides instant commentary on the show he just aired.