All Flo-bee commercials start with “Look, buddy. You’re a doughy mess. Is an expensive haircut really gonna get you laid? Of course not! So why not settle for the Flo-bee?”

It may be in the top 10 but nothing compares to a Tom Selleck/Jeff Foxworthy hybrid using the Flo-bee self-hair cutting system

Don’t worry, buddy, even if your one of your arms is occupied on the sideline with a crutch, we’ve still employed the latest technology to help you do your job.

I can understand why Asche would be upset at somebody else obsessively trying to catch them all.

Who can say, I take inspiration from Wilko Johnson, legendary pub-rock guitarist for Dr. Feelgood and later Ser Ilyn Payne in the first season or two of Game of Thrones. They gave him 8 months to live in 2012, he declined chemo, lived another 2 years, then they developed a pancreatic bypass that has him hale and…

That’s one almond per minute of funk by The Whole Darn Family.

They say they’re America’s Team but I’m not feeling it

I AIN’T DEAD DAMMIT

And I was there, watching the Movie Channel as a 7th grader, for her inauspicious debut with Divine and Eugene Levy. I mean John Candy and Eugene Levy.

It’s his shout-out to sufferers of PPS (Phantom Parrot Syndrome)

When they actually break up interviews with commercial reads, that’s an intolerable sin in my view— I don’t know how any person with any level of self-respect could agree to that. Plus I need classical music to counteract my bilious reaction to traffic/shitty drivers.

My preferred rejoinder to “Maybe this isn’t politically correct...” is “Or any other type of correct, in all probability.”

By alternative I assume you mean they spend only 1.1% of their time talking about sports, the other 98.9% evenly split between commercial promotions and laughing at each other (or whining about the Jets).

RGIII? I think he’s in a two-dimensional Phantom Zone panel. The Phantom Zone: Where Once-Winners Are Banished.

I thought they were doing OK (not great but surviving better than the ABA) until Trump pushed them into direct fall competition with the NFL, with the resultant antitrust lawsuit

The good news is that when you’ve found one, you’ve found them all.

Step right this way to enroll in the Hayne Mid-Career Convert NFL Camp! (three people find themselves on a garbage barge) YOU’RE ON A GARBAGE BARGE BECAUSE IT’S A GARBAGE IDEA

Whenever I hear Sports Illustrated, I think “Sports, Illustrated” done up in colonial lettering where the s’s look like f’s and there’s some print reproduction of a woodcarving depicting an Algonquian lacrosse match.

I was always partial to the sleeper-hold, especially if what followed was a bit of hairstyling with garden shears.

If you listen to the newsreaders and commentators talk, they are actually convinced that people personally care about them and their boring, milquetoast quirks (especially egregious: the Mikes). I would like to meet a person that confirms their theory and invite them to take a trip on this here rocket to the sun.