I could’ve been a great cyclist, but my love for Hot Pockets was TOO strong. Now I’m 300 pounds and happier than ever!

That dog loves the pool like I love Hot Pockets!

I once ate a Hot Pocket. GIVE ME TICKETS, ASSMUNCHERS!

I’d rather eat a Hot Pocket than have sex with Ciara.

Trump’s guilty....

Will this book provide a good makeshift plate for my Hot Pockets?

“Damn, so close!” — All of America.

Kaley Cuoco looks dead inside.

Would YOU want to be alone on a yacht with Mark Cuban? Shudders.

#BestRapistsInBaseball

At least her hair is long again. You’re doing one thing right, Kaley!

This country will be torn about by war.

Jennifer Lopez is the devil’s spawn!

Damn, when did Deadspin get infected with PC Bros?

Fuck off, PC Bro.

Kevin Durant: The most notorious traitor since Finn.

Well, shit. CBS called it.

Better start calling the French team Eyjafjallajökull, cause they just erupted all over Iceland!

There’s no surrender in that Frenchman!

They will play hockey all night if need be, even after the ice starts to melt. They will play baseball all night if need be, even after the center fielder is forced to step in as pitcher. They will play basketball all night if need be, even after the fans leave to beat the morning’s rush hour traffic. They will play…