Yes, but George, when you ruin your children, sometimes the state has to take them away from you for their own welfare.

A few years ago I found my iPod that had been missing since I was 16

But who will protect Sandwich Americans from Chris Christie?

Dear Governor Christie,

You’re a better person than me. My first instinct would have been to run her over. Good thing I can’t drive.

How I picture Ellie and Joanna

this was a hit piece

Holy fuck. I’m so sorry that they responded to you. I don’t like to generalize on complete internet strangers, but they seem like an actual sociopath. Just complete lack of empathy for any and all. :/

Life insurance won’t cover an entire lifetime’s worth of paychecks from that dead individual. I have $250,000 worth of life insurance (and no children) and that would cover about five years worth of my paychecks. So if, after that life insurance has been depleted, the single parent is still struggling, what then?

How did your parents protect themselves from the tragic, unforeseen circumstance of your birth?

It also sounds like a problem with our healthcare system that she couldn’t leave her job because she was the one with the benefits.

There has to be someone affiliated with Deadspin that can pull off the mannerisms and affectations of an adolescent attendee.

Yeah, it totally seems like something that Carson would do.

“Kurt Russell” was the name of Disney’s beloved boyhood sled.

I have never had to shove a dude’s face between my legs, my dear. They thank me for the privilege, best believe.

This is the truest truth. I actually come easier and much harder from vaginal intercourse. But if a guy doesn’t attempt, without prompting, to mouth schuck my giggle oyster I'm pretty much done.

Say what you will about the pizza mugger, at least he was straightforward about taking money out of the driver’s pocket. He didn't come up with bullshit reasons to not leave a tip, he didn't put a waiter through an hour of hell and leave a buck, he didn't come in with a complex plan to scam free food that he used…

I’m an atheist pescatarian, and I can assure you I am a total nightmare.