She said "who wants to hear about Paris Hilton?" I started squealing and doing my excited dance, which is just my hands balled up into fists shaking real hard. I was in her immediate sightline so she said "that is one excited gay" and mimicked my movements.

BUUUUUUURRRTTTT!!!!

Contact the author at mark.shrayber@jezebel.com.

Still great

Can I mention how lucky I am to have a man who made me wait at a spot at Glacier National Park for 5 minutes for 4 other people to leave in order to ask me, quietly, to marry him. No videos, no cameras, no audience. I am lucky.

Look, I love the US. But I also love cocaine. Loving something doesn't mean it's not really fucking shitty for you.

I love it when people say, "Then leave!" to me because haha I did suckas. To be fair, I didn't leave the US because I hate it (cool job opportunity, wanted to see something different) and there are plenty of great things about the US (what's up with people thinking criticism means you hate it? Disciplining your…

You're right.

"Clearly they're not short on ice cream."

Big life moment

Texts from Kara:

I don't understand what filmmakers thought audiences would do if Lily James' waist was shown in its natural state. She's quite slender as it is and no reasonable person would have expected the human actor to have the same proportions as the character in the animated film.

He's always my first choice for Goobernatorial Candidate.

FLAME ON.

NERD TIME:

these soft lumberjack bros are gonna be the death of me.

I love them both so much heck I love all the Marvel Chrises! Its so sweet they don't have to do this but they do because they love making kids happy

And the coldest of vaginas.