I feel the need to share a most disturbing story. Back when I was hitched, I had the most detestable little niece. Now even though I have never wanted to be a mommy, I generally like kids and have no issue with them. This little snot however ... she was just horrid. Spoiled, mouthy, rude - you name it. But the…

GIVE ALL THE BABY GOATS TO ME IMMEDIATELY.

I've got two zip-up footy PJs - one is cheetah print and the other is a giant sock monkey. I live in these from November - March. And I don't. Fucking. Care.

WHAT THE EVER-LOVIN' FUCK. I've used this twice after condom breakages and ... HOLY SHIT.

Well shit. I only ever find dead horseshoe crabs and broken shells :(

Do not attempt to bogart all the footballers. I love them (and the sport) because I have impeccable taste.

Yes, yes .. the possible eruption of scariness is what I find most intriguing. And his thighs. Of course.

Footballers are my kryptonite.

And of course now I need the story of how you met him.

I have a weakness for men with salt and pepper hair/beards. And I am pretty sure he is the type of man who would be rough in bed, possibly with some slaps on the ass. I mean look at that picture - he's seductively kissing his fist.

I know this might be a little controversial but ..

I would also buy a bottle or two.

He's selling something? I didn't notice anything being sold unless it was Xabi sweat.

Sheva my love, come to me:

Should we just call this "Scorching Footballers" and start adding them wily-nilly?

Why, hello. One other Fernando ...

I know he was actually a misogynistic, alcoholic asshole, but good God those eyes and that voice. Give me more.

Good God Almighty I cannot take such deliciousness before noon. I will just add my own little photos to this tasty mix ...