The writing on that one is the BEST. I lost it at fleeing the great Fucks Famine of 2015.

I’ve never seen a restaurant that had onion dip and potato chips on the menu.

Don’t be a dick.

You are doing the lord’s work.

I live in MN, land of pop. Just to be different, I call it soda. Some people look at me like....wha?

“I was informed that it had been sent back because the drink was “too cold.” For those who may not be bar savvy, this would be the equivalent of sending a bowl of soup back to the kitchen for being too hot.”

Horribly excellent.

It’s big in the South.

“So, your table stopped me and asked what kind of fish they had was because they thought you were lying to them; I told them it was cod and they asked why we didn’t have real fish.”

“What’s homo milk? Is this milk from GAY COWS?!” he demands, utterly* seriously, even angrily.

Wine and artichokes - I could live on that quite happily

I have it on very good authority from Strawberry Shortcake that Blueberry Muffin’s vagina* does, in fact, taste like blueberry.

“I want a Greek Platter but I don’t do olives, I don’t do hummus, I don’t do cheese and bread hurts my stomach.”

I used that trying to get out of my columbia house contract as a kid, I kept returning the CDs marked “deceased”....it didn’t work.

We used to call in well, which I guess is as much a fuck you as calling in suicided’ is.

It absolutely is. “I don’t want your meatballs” is my new favorite way to tell someone to fuck off.

I was thinking the same thing. he’s a real keeper.

As a actual, real-life historian, that article was painful to get through. You cannot understand what life was truly like for people of another time by cosplaying them 24/7. That’s just...not how history works. I do want to know where they get all their money though, I hope that’s historically accurate too, and they…

“DO NOT THINK HE IS GUILTY I just work at subway and thought this was funny.”